Just to say hello

We are in the midst of changes and recovering from sickness, which I expect will render us stronger and mindful. I really feel more like going to bed than staying awake and writing. However, I want to  share some of the things that are going on around here.

My littlest started slithering the day before he turned 6 months and he's been really into it ever since. Such an example of focus. Whatever calls his attention, he cruises, slithers and rolls until he reaches it.
M is more articulate than ever and even if there are still some phrases she uses her own way, such us temporal adverbs, she really means what she says most of the time. Upon hearing that I would present a new material today she told me "something else? but I don't want so many things"... This has triggered some thought, as you may imagine. From now onwards, I will try to be more present and less on the lookout for activities. This anecdote has reminded me one of the postcards that still hangs from the board of my childhood bedroom where there is pictured a boy carrying a globe as gift to a girl and the girl saying "Ich brauche nur deine Liebe" (...but I only need your love).

In the below picture you can see how A gazes M. He does it most of the time and whenever she appears in his field of vision his face is enlightened by a wide smile. She is also becoming fonder of him and wants to hold and tickle him, as well as bring him toys.

Me... I am on an ongoing process of becoming more mindful and present... 

Escritura creativa como terapia

Hoy os hablaré de mí. No lo hago a menudo. De hecho, hace tanto tiempo que perdí el yo en el nosotros que no sé si me acordaré de cómo se hace. Pero quiero hablar de mí. Al fin y al cabo hoy era mi cumpleaños. Digo "era" porque cuando dé a "publicar" ya no será 29 de mayo.
Desde que soy madre, no es un tema que me haya preocupado la pérdida de individualidad, de tiempo para mí misma, a pesar de que me dedico a mis hijos y estoy con ellos prácticamente todas las horas del día todos los días a la semana. El único momento en que no estoy con ellos, estoy dando clases, trabajando, de manera que el contínuo de estar-sin-estar-en-mí como mujer hace mucho que dura y al reflexionar no puedo sinó sorprenderme que no me haya hecho plantarme cosas hasta ahora.
Valga decir que mi impulso analizador se ha visto atizado por una colección de migrañas fuertes que acaban en vómitos violentos en los últimos tiempos. La repetición siempre invita a pensar de manera que tras la tercera migraña en menos de mes y medio me puse en serio a meditar sobre qué debía estar causándolas. Es posible que en general pocas personas estén de acuerdo conmigo pero mi visión de la salud y la enfermedad va más allá del análisis de síntomas y diagnóstico para borrar los mismos. Yo sé desde hace muchos años que mis migrañas han ido tradicionalmente relacionadas con estados nerviosos, excitación por eventos especiales, estrés, pero en investigar descubrí que también están íntimamente ligadas con la digestión (o más bien indigestión) y la visión. El estado migrañoso se da en un momento pico de estrés. Me ha pasado en las tres ocasiones en este pasado reciente que siendo las 9 de la noche en días especialmente cargados, me iría a dormir pronto pero en lugar de dormir me pongo a vomitar hasta casi media noche.
¿Qué puede ser de mi vida diaria que me satura hasta el punto que no quiero verlo más ni puedo digerirlo? Es muy posible que una especie de saturación de espacio/tiempo cuidando-cuidando-cuidando, siendo la única tregua los momentos en qué doy clase, o sea que estoy a cargo de cuidar del aprendizaje de lengua extrangera de otra persona... uf! Será que en los momentos en que vomito y eventualmente mi compañero me acaricia la cabeza me siento cuidada...? Dicho así suena casi mal pero me temo que las enfermedades tienen estas sutilezas.
¿Para qué enrollarme como las persianas? La conclusión me parece que apunta a algo tan obvio y que tienen claro tantísimas madres y que curiosamente a mí me había pasado por alto: necesito tiempo para mí como mujer, como escritora. ¿Cómo hacer de esta necesidad una realidad? Veremos.
Antes de finalizar añadiré otro dato que tal vez haga levantar alguna que otra ceja de incredulidad pero que me parece de lo más interesante. En mi investigación acerca de las enfermedades y sus posibles significados me encontré con que las disfunciones del tiroides pueden estar relacionadas con la falta de tiempo para hacer lo que se quiere y con la creatividad. Significativamente, cuando nació mi primera hija, me volqué en su cuidado y dejé de escribir, cuando había estado prácticamente dedicando todas mis mañanas a hacerlo hasta entonces. Poco después empecé a estar muy cansada, excesivamente cansada y me diagnosticaron hipotiroidismo. Tal vez, quien sabe, mi curación pasa por dedicar un tiempo semanal simplemente a escribir. Probarlo es gratis de manera que lo voy a intentar hacer.

Fever, books and roses

My girl had fever yesterday and the day before. She has always been incredibly healthy and since she weaned this was the first time around she had fever. She must have had fever only a couple of times in the past but those times consisted more or less of a sleepless night -for me- with a high temperature and nursing a lot. Because she has so seldom been sick, I can see the significance of this fever.
Last week she slept rather little and we all experienced some uneasy moments. She refused to nap and went to bed desperately late. She cried a lot as well. We could see she was undergoing some important changes and tried hard to help her, to no avail. Towards the end of the week, I decided that I was no longer actively going to put her to sleep during the daytime and told her so. I explained how important it is to be well rested and that anytime she felt tired it would be awesome for her to go to sleep for a while. After a rather rough couple of days -Wednesday and Thursday-, at noon on Friday she decided to go to bed and napped for one and a half hours. That was nice! I promise I had despaired and felt my whole way of raising her was a failure. It was nice to realize that she is indeed able to recognize she is tired and go to rest.
Then came the weekend and weekends are never good in terms of consolidating new routines. On Sunday eve she fell ill with a fever and has slept a lot ever since. Today she was not completely recovered but I've been able to see the new girl emerging after the bout of fever. She is taller and thinner and looks grown in general. She has even used some new expressions and words that she would use her own way have switched to the right word. She sounds so grown up. The activities I had prepared for the week and which remained completely untouched yesterday because she spent all day napping on the couch have been approached today and she has even told her father that she wanted to finish "all this activity" before having supper.
Oh. How much I love my girl. If only I had words to express it the way it deserves. But I don't want to try any clumsy attempts.
It was Sant Jordi here today and we've gone for a stroll, the kids and me, to see the stands full of roses and books and although I fear it has become a commercial strategy that makes both books and roses less valuable, I still like it the way I used to when I was a girl and books were my truest love. I do love books and flowers so even if I didn't intend to buy nor the first neither the latter, we've set out to feel the festive atmosphere. The smell of Mediterranean broom on a spring morning, which hasn't changed since my teenage years recall me of this love. Books were a door to new worlds, to knowledge of new things, something I truly cherished. And, I believe I have passed this on to my daughter.
I had indeed gotten a new book (Montessori letter work by Bobby and June George) for her today but it came via mail and we have given it to her this afternoon. I have the feeling we are going to enter a new sensitive period for letters very soon.

Just the three of us

Today has been the third day I've spent with both children on my own from dawn till dusk, at what time I've left the house to go to one of my book club meetings. Exhausting.
It's been exhausting but also amazing, empowering, fulfilling.
Amazing because both children prove that they cooperate in whatever situation they find themselves in. A week ago M seemed to need her father all day long. Little A was quite demanding, seldom comforted at the breast and rarely accepting being put down. I really thought the husband's first week back at work would be a tough one and I was prepared. They have surprised me greatly and in the best possible way. M complained the first morning about her father having left without her. Although we had informed her repeatedly that he would go to work the following morning. Then, she asked for him once or twice during the morning and that was it. The second and third days she complained a bit after waking up and was quite happy the rest of the day. A bit of crying on the first day and it was about all. We have been mostly spending a nice time the three of us.
Empowering because the days when my dear girl was rejecting me seemed to have ended. This time together has reinforced the bonding in a way I was highly in need for.
Fulfilling because despite the -nearly total- lack of -me-time I keep thinking this is what I want to do.
I've been trying to have the best age-appropriate activities out on our shelves, which has meant hard work after hours to have materials ready. We have all been very busy to have meals beforehand in the refrigerator and a reasonable schedule to go by. But apart from logistics management, the kids have helped a great deal. Baby A has accepted napping on his tommy on a little mattress even in the garden. He has actually slept for longer stretches of time on the mattress than in the wrap (it might be due to the fact that I may be requested to do things like playing table tennis on the floor while he is sleeping). He has peed and pooped in his potty each and every time I've put him over it, which has made the whole diaper issue much simpler. M has engaged in most of the suggested activities and even if she needs my focused attention most of the time also understands that the baby needs me and accepts, even encourages my attending him at the first whimper. It is not unusual to hear her telling me "give him milk" (= nurse him) or "he wants you to hold him". She is of the most delightful kind, my girl.

Not-so-little baby catching hold of cushions

On the first day I was making up some story and saying "this wonder, that wonder" to refer to them both and M looked at me first and at A then and told him "AND this wonder" referring to me. Oh, she made my heart melt. That same day, when her father came back home in the evening she told him "papalou I do love you" semi-quoting from a book we have called "Koala Lou" where the koala's mother tells him all the time "Koala Lou I do love you". It also touches my heart when I see her taking care of one of her teddies. She nurses them, helps them go to the toilet, asks them many times if they need milk or how do they feel, and now even tells them "oh, I will hug you, I will kiss you, I will caress you".
One of the things I definitely have to improve is the timing of naps. Except for the first day, when M napped for two and a half hours following a fall from her swing, any time there has been a window of opportunity to get her to nap, I've had to do something else. I know it is important that she gets some rest but yesterday and today I was unable to make her wind down. I hope I will be able to change this. Something else is the kind of activities I know she is ready for which I can't provide for lack of materials. I am going to place an order this weekend and I truly look forward to starting using some Montessori materials with her.

The most successful suggested activity this week: pouring colored water with a funnel

I will take the opportunity to mention that we have finally decided to homeschool -following mostly the Montessori method- next year. Totally or partially we aren't yet sure but our idea is to refurbish our basement, tidy and improve our garden, convert the shed for garden tools into a play house, and get Montessori materials. We might open our house to other children but even if there are no families interested, we will carry on with the project. I am very happy we have finally decided that even if M prefers to go to school, even if no other families join in our project, the expenses will be an investment for we see the Montessori method  really works for us. M thrives when offered the right kind of activities and I am sure she will do so when we have access to real first class materials.
Well, that's more or less what our last three days have looked like. I could ramble on for hours but going beyond midnight can be a bit too much. Good night!!

Our week in images

Invitation to play: flower patterns and bottle tops

Invitation to play: contact paper flowers, colored paper clippings, bottle caps and buttons.

While the older siblings had a play date...

I got it!!

Nearly getting there

Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, when I was a little girl, I used to ask my mother if using a long ladder we could reach the sky. The answer I remember is that should we attempt to touch the sky, it would move higher and higher, eluding thus our touch.
Some days I feel as if my aim were like the sky in my mother's tale, just impossible to achieve. Others, like today, I feel we are nearly getting there. But what do I mean by "my aim" anyway?
Some might say it is perfection. I don't know.
I aspire to live in harmony, keeping the children contented and happy, inventing and setting interesting activities for the toddler, responding to the baby's cues, catching as many of his pees and poops, getting to finish house chores, writing as much as possible, doing interesting classes, and being a nice mother, wife, friend, daughter, sister, teacher...
How was my day today? The morning went by in the blink of an eye. If it hadn't been for a failed attempt to go for a stroll, aborted by the terrible wind, the baby would have maybe slept for three hours non-stop. But we've set out with sleeping A in the stroller, M walking by my side. I seldom give a dime for A's chances of sleeping much if he is not tightly held but life always surprises me and that's what I've told myself this morning. The stroller was the best option under such weather and given the fact that he was sleeping in my arms when we were preparing to go out. Lovely M has tried to ride her trike but since I didn't have enough hands to push her, she has very kindly offered to walk.
No sooner had we walked down the street, not even bent the corner, when I have realized the wisest option was going back. Fortunately, M has found out some balloons and stickers we had under the stroller, which has entertained her on the way back. Unfortunately, A has woken up and the following hour and a half he's been rather upset.
In my attempt to reach the aim, I keep on redesigning nap time and bed time routines that can match our needs with two children. Conclusion, after a frugal meal we've spent more than one and a half hours to get to sleep. When the husband has arrived, though, both kids were napping like angels. Full stop.
The afternoon has been spent amidst a trip to the store, a visit to the lake to feed the ducks, supper and bed time.
Why do I feel, then, that today we are getting closer to the ideal? I guess it is because I have been able to do some laundry, folded clothes, shopped for pants -now that I can't get into any of my old pants-, prepared two simple activities for M, made a kettledrum with recycled items during nap time, survived the morning, gotten to sleep a baby that doesn't like nursing to sleep... No baking or tinkering today but I have the feeling I have done my best to get closer to my dream. Well, and it wouldn't be so without this short while of writing. This feels like paradise although it is way past midnight...